I hate to even share this-but here goes......
I saw some flyers and brochures for things like karate, tumbling/gymnastics, kids fitness, different dance classes, etc. I couldn't help but read them and think (I mean dream) about what it would be like to have the boys at home and enroll them in an activity or two. I read the class descriptions. I checked the age requirements. I even checked the scheduled days/times of the different classes and the fees. I thought to myself, the boys could take that class together because the age category was broad for one class.
Now, lest you think I have totally lost my mind, I am fully aware that it is TOO EARLY to be thinking (dreaming) about this sort of thing. I am in my right mind, at the present moment. That could change any time ;-)
I'm not a big fan of over scheduling kids and having activities all of the time. Besides, the boys will not be home for somewhere between 18-36 months. I am ferverently praying for the shorter time span, while at the same time fully trusting that God's timing is perfect, and mine may not be. Of course, the countdown doesn't really start until I get all my paperwork (ohmigosh, the paperwork) together, translated into French and sent to Haiti. I'm must continue working on all of that.
And yet, even being fully aware that a lot can change in the coming months, I feel a wave of excitement building inside of me. I wonder if the boys will like any of the activities I saw advertised today. I wonder what they will be good at. I wonder what they will struggle with. I wonder what they will enjoy. I wonder what it will be like to watch them grow and blossom and develop their little personalities, skills, abilities, talents, interests and so on. I wonder if they will enjoy music like I think they do. (I have seen hints that make me believe they are both more musical that I ever dreamed of being). I wonder what they will think of our church. I wonder if they will enjoy hunting or love animals too much for that. I wonder if they will like camping and fishing. I wonder what, if any, sports they may enjoy.
I wonder what it will be like to share many of the 'firsts' with them. First snowfall (we'll have to head up north for that one!). First walk around the neighborhood. First bad dream. First visit to the library. First visit to Santa Claus at the mall. First time they get in trouble for doing something boys do. lol. First day of school in America. First (crazy) extended family gathering. First Christmas in a home rather than the orphanage. I wonder if one or both of them will go into ministry. I wonder what they will be when they grow up. I wonder what they will like to do in their free time. I wonder what school subjects they will enjoy and which ones they will dislike. I wonder if they will ever want to return to Haiti when they are grown. I even pray for their future spouses.
I marvel at the fact that SOME DAY in the future, I will be blessed to watch them grow and get to know them up close, not just over the internet and through pictures. The pictures and internet are great-they are like a lifeline-I think I might die without them! But it's just not the same as having a real, live, daily, two way relationship at home. Hugs and kisses and tickles. Bedtime stories and baths. Tucking them in at night. Making sure they did their homework. It is the mundane, daily tasks and moments that I long for.
I'm awed by the way God chose us as the family for these two boys and the way that He brought us together at just the right time. There is so much to that story. When I say that I am awed, I am in complete and total awe! There is no question that this is God's plan for our family. Even the timing of it is amazing.
But sometimes,in the wee hours of the night, or when I'm attempting to muddle my way through more paperwork or when I'm tired, my feelings of insecurity and fear try to rear their ugly heads. What if the all powerful and all knowing 'THEY' don't approve us? Who are 'THEY' to get to have this much control over my life anyway?!? What if we aren't good (perfect) enough? We aren't perfect-we have issues and struggles in many areas. We have a 'past'. Life has not always gone smoothly for us. Will those things hold us back? What if we don't have the funds when we need them? What if some paperwork gets lost or I forget to dot some i's or cross some t's? What if something/anything/everything goes wrong?
What if....What if....What if. (sigh and slow shake of head while looking down)
I tend toward the negative by both nature and nurture, and it is something that I have to actively guard against. At least I realize it these days, which is huge growth and progress from the past. Now that I've recognized it, I can choose to do something different.
And so when I catch myself being negative and/or fearful, I have to shake my head and snap my fingers and sometimes even stomp my feet or march in place and tell myself to knock it off. I cannot dwell on the negative or I will slide into the abyss that threatens to consume me. I must focus on the postive and excercise my 'faith muscles'. My sanity depends on it. Besides, it really is better to do things God's way. After all, Hebrews 11: 1 tells us:
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see".
How much faith do I really need if everything is 'peachy'? How much faith am I exercising when I can see the plan and the steps I must take to get to the goal? If I can see it-then I'm acting by sight, not by faith. My faith grows and develops in the blind spots-the dark nights-the places where I know there is a goal but I cannot see the steps to get there. That is when I must fully trust God to guide me.
I also recall 2 verses in particular (because they are posted on the wall behind my computer and I see them everyday, several times a day):
What is impossible for people is possible with God Luke 18:27
Do not be afraid for I am with you. Isaiah 41:10
So I tell the devil to get lost and take his feelings of fear and insecurity with him.
And I remind myself that this really isn't about me, it's God's plan and He will finish what He started.
It's not about me. That is a fact. Here are a few other facts:
God is great.
He chose us to be the family for these boys.
He chose these boys for us.
Surely, the Creator of the universe can sustain me, if only I will surrender and let Him.
It's up to me whether I see positively or negatively.
Either I trust God or I don't. It's pretty simple, really.
Today, this moment, I actively choose to trust God in ALL things, even the Haitian adoption process.
Who knows, I may need to come and re-read this post over and over again in the coming months. Perhaps that is why I felt compelled to write it, even though I'd rather keep these things to myself.
So there you have it; my innermost deep thoughts of the day.