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I wanted to write a thoughtful, inspiring post.
A year in review.
Lessons learned.
Something like that.

And I can't.

I. Can. Not. Write.

Me-wordless. Me-who has written letters and journals since I was a wee child. Me-who writes better than I speak because I need the time to process my thoughts. Me-who loves to write, blog, email. My thoughts are scattered and disorganized. I have little/no focus.

I can hardly put together a complete sentence or thought, let alone an inspirational piece. I think this is in part due to my lack of sleep. Last night, I got 5 consecutive hours, sitting up in a chair. I think this is a MIRACLE after nearly a month of only sleeping 1-2 hours at a time. I have NO idea what is going on with me-I have already elminated all caffeine, medication and most sugar from my diet. I have tried everything, including taking something to help me sleep all to no avail. Something is up.

The only thing that has helped, even a little is getting out my Bible and reading, reading, reading, until my eyes close. I feel like I'm under attack-and the nights are loooooong. Without going into details, let me just say that it is not good for me to be awake in the middle of the night. Please pray for me to get some solid sleep, I NEED it. Of course, a lack of sleep makes everything harder. Christmas without the boys. Hard. JB's birthday-my baby turned THREE! Hard. Realizing that he may be 5 or even 6 before he lives with me. HARD. People being people. Hard. Not feeling great. Hard.

Anyway, back to my inspiring Year In Review:

2008 is gone. 2009 is here.

We moved into a new home in 2008.
My husband started working with a new business partner in 2008.
I moved my business office to a new location in 2008.
I got a new job in 2008.
I went on my first mission trip ever, to Haiti in 2008.
I met our sons in 2008.
We started our adoption process in 2008.
We hosted a foreign exchange high school student for one semester and said goodbye to him in 2008.
I went on my 2nd trip to Haiti in 2008.
We successfully kept our holiday season simple and quiet. In part because we wanted to, in part because we were sick and 'had' to.

It was so nice to have a quiet holiday season.
And yet, something-no, someone-2 someones are missing.

M-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Dictionary.com defines missing like this:

miss⋅ing   /ˈmɪsɪŋ/ [mis-ing]

–adjective 1. lacking, absent, or not found: a missing person.

That defintely is the right word. You could also say that life and this big house is feeling empty. I can hardly stand the silence in this house. Christmas tends to turn UP the volume on the silence of a house without children. I tried to do a few things to counter that,distract myself, but it didn't really work out. And, I was sick, so sick, that made it Hard.

I have been consumed by my desire to have these children at home. I can think of little else. I go through the motions and daily life, but only because I have to. The way I keep track of time has changed-I used to say 'this summer I'd like to....' or 'next week I want to....'. Now, since July, my life is segmented by trips to Haiti. I just got back from Haiti. I'm going to Haiti in a few months. It's as if there is a whole new timeline-and it all revolves around trips to Haiti. Do you remember as a child when you said you were 6 and A HALF years old, instead of saying you were 6? I know I did this, because that HALF year was so important and made me feel older, bigger, smarter. And when you're 6 years old, that's a big deal. Now, my life is counted (by me) in terms of the amount of time since my last trip to Haiti or my next trip to Haiti. It's a big deal. The longing, the ache, it is real. Sometimes, it's physical. It hurts.


My prayer for 2009 is for continued bonding with the boys. For protection for their little hearts. For good health for them and for us. That my hubby is able to travel to meet them-that our family can be together all in one place, for a time. That our paperwork moves through the process, rather than sitting still, being stuck in the process. That I am able to do what I need to do to keep living-so that I don't waste the most precious gift of all-life and time with those I love. That I don't feel sorry for myself. Endurance. That I keep my priorities and focus in the right place-on God. That I get some sleep.

Hey, what do you know, I CAN put a thought and sentence together. At least a little.

God's will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Happy 2009.