CH CH CH Changes!

July is a big month in our family.

It was two years ago this month that I met the boys for the first time.   A few short weeks later, we decided and committed to adopting our sons.

It is six months since the earthquake, and one week later, the boys came home.

It is now also our OFFICIAL ADOPTION DAY!! Yep.  Today is the day that a court made it official-establishing the legal relationship of parent and child.

This July is also big because I am closing my practice and moving my office.

2010, the year of change.  JULY is big.

Just wanted to share.

:-)

Assumptions

Today, I was leaving the grocery store.  It was hot.  Like 110 or so.  I had 2 hot and thirsty kids with me, plus our cart full of groceries.  As I was loading the kids and the groceries into the car, I was approached by a woman.  I saw her out of the corner of my eye, and looked up.  She said "hi.  if you ever need a break, call me.  you're obviously a foster parent.  I run a day care right here in the neighborhood."  As she handed me a card for her day care business.

Who picks a child care provider from a cold contact handing them a biz card in a grocery store parking lot?  I suppose people do.    But. not. me.


So I was relegated to the "obviously a foster mom" category because my kids don't have the same color skin as me.

hmmm.  Maybe if it wasn't scorching hot outside I could have educated her a bit. 

Three Months

Today marks 90 days/three months since we got to the boys in Florida. We spent our first night together as a family on American soil. Then traveled home to Arizona together the next day.

Wow. Three months!

Both boys have each gained somewhere between three and four pounds. Even my picky eater. (who might possibly be the first child to TURN into a hot-dog, due to excessive consumption, he'd eat them every meal if I'd let him.)

Today is also the day we were granted temporary legal custody by Arizona statute. We pursued that in order to satisfy our health insurance company. Hopefully, as of today, the boys will have health coverage. I've already submitted the paperwork. So we'll see what other obstacles they (the insurer) try to put in the way.

Today also marks the half way point to our adoption finalization hearing, which is scheduled for July. That is also according to Arizona statutes-the adoption can be finalized after we've had custody of the boys for six months. We have some home visits and things to do between now and then, two I think. These will be completed by the same social worker that did our home study.

The boys seem to be doing great. Yes, we've had some bumps in the road, but if I step back and look at the overall progress they have made, it's amazing. Really. Amazing.

It's been awesome to get to know their personalities a little better too. They definitely have individual preferences, likes and dislikes. They have a lot in common too.

Happy three months at home, boys.

Next step, adoption finalization in Arizona and then, the rest of our lives.

A family.

Forever.

Thank you God.

Must Read

This is great:

I don't want my children to be happy.

I have thought the same thing many times, but could not express it as clearly as this author. I've called myself a "mean mama" many times. And I'm okay with that. :-)

They are REALLY here!

Home Sweet Home

Just a real quick update, after 36 hours of traveling.


We.
Are.
Home.


All.
Four.
Of.
Us.


I still can hardly believe it. But I know it's true. Seems like they have alway been here.

God is great.

Please continue to pray for our family.

Also, continue to fight for the children of Haiti-who haven't been able to get out yet. Pray for Haiti. Make donations. What I'm hearing is that the smaller groups/ministries are not getting help from the big ones. So support the smaller ones.....ThreeAngelsRelief.org HeartlineHaiti.org
etc.

Peace.

Parents with pending Haiti adoptions:

Haiti adopting parents register your adoption with this organization, if you haven't already. They are lobbying for our kids to get humanitarian parole status. They say that Haiti has already lifted all exit restrictions. Now it's up the USA, Hillary and Janet... Pray people, pray. God is bigger than ALL of this. ...He can do it. http://www.jcics.org/index.htm

Christmas shopping ?

If you need Christmas gift ideas, check out this link.

An excerpt from the website:

A Simple System

Unique Scentsy warmers use a low-watt bulb to melt the specially formulated wax slowly, maximizing the fragrance time of the Scentsy Bar or Scentsy Brick. With no flame, soot or wick, the Scentsy system is a safe way to enjoy more than 80 Scentsy fragrances.
How to use a Scentsy Warmer
Plug it in. Turn it on.



Safe. long lasting. great fragrances. lots of choices in warmers (three different sizes, plus many decor/styles). no smoke, no flame, no soot. They smell fantastic!

This is an adoption fundraiser, we get 15% of the proceeds toward our adoption expenses. :-)

The party will close on 12/14/09 and items will arrive in time for Christmas. If you order online, make sure this party id is showing in the address bar 1682921 so that we get credit for it.

Questions, ask and I will find out answers. For those of you locally, I have samplers so you can smell the fragrances, and I have 1 plug in warmer, so you can see how it works.

Thanks!

Something I've been thinking about.....

Read this, then come back. Go on, I'll wait. :-)

This is something I have been thinking about for some time now....and praying about how to do this. How do I teach the boys that we (mama and papa) are different from the rest of the very nice people out there? It's a balance, because I don't want to scare them (with the reality that some people are not safe) too much, and yet, reality is what it is.

Think about it. They live in a protected/secure environment. Staff take care of them. Staff who come and go. House managers come and go. Teams of really nice people come in and visit. Then leave. The children put their arms up to anyone to be picked up, for a little attention and affection. And it's good. It's safe. They get some love. And then, the teams leave.

How on earth do I teach a 7 and 4 year old that we (mama and papa) are different than all the other people? That we are FOREVER. That we are PERMANENT. That we can be trusted to meet their needs? That we are SAFE? and that some people are NOT SAFE?

Dear Lord, work on their hearts and ours as we prepare for the challenges of this reality. Help the people around us to understand and support us as we work through this. With you, all things are possible. Thank you, in Jesus name, amen.

OOOH the fun we will have!

Giggle Giggle Giggle!

Update.....

I just rec'd notification that we have an appointment scheduled during our planned November trip for the newly added step of signing papers that confirm we want to adopt the boys in front of a judge/justice of the peace. Thankful that we can get it done on this trip. Praying we get it done on this trip.

We are still fund-raising....God is so good. So gracious. Such an amazing provider. It's mind-blowing to see Him work and to know HE CARES about what's going on with us, the details. I am constantly reminded of his love. It's awesome.

If you are shopping at all or plan to be, please use this Amazon.com link-we'll get a earn a small percentage of your order.

We have a few items we kept back from the garage sale (a HUGE success!) that we plan to list on craigslist. I also have a few things to take to a sporting goods resale shop in the area. And I have one high ticket item to list on ebay.

Oh, and fellow adoptive parents are coming to town to do a "Pictures in the Park" fundraiser for us. The dad is a professional photographer and takes AMAZING pictures. It will be at the end of January. LOCAL PEEPS: you do NOT want to miss this! More details to follow.

We are also planning another exciting event (FUN) for sometime in early 2010. I'll let you know more as we figure it all out.

And we still have our (mostly) handmade jewelry blog/auction going on....check it out here.

If you feel led to make a donation you can do it via paypal. Look for the gold "Donate" button on the left side of this page.

We are about 20 days from our planned arrival in Haiti and hugging our sons!

Your prayer support is ALWAYS appreciated and needed.

God is great.

Life is good.

I am thankful.

Prayer request

We are gearing up for a BIG garage sale to raise funds for some of our adoption expenses this weekend. When I say BIG, I mean BIG. You would not believe what we have been given to sell.....it is incredible. These pictures are from a few days ago, and we have gotten more donations since I took the pics. A lot more.

I will take a picture once we get it all spread out on the weekend. We haven't even had the sale yet, and have raised some money via craigslist. And I have a super duper big ticket item to put up on ebay, later. I just haven't had a chance.

God is good. God is amazing. I'm so thankful for this opportunity.

Pray for stamina and endurance for me. Pray for lots of people who buy lots of stuff. Pray that some of the "big ticket" items sell for a fair amount. Pray that we raise the money we need. Pray that we can spread the word and be "Adoption Ambassadors". Pray. Pray. Pray.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Family Needed

Family Needed

Adoption.

Image by Themis was here via Flickr

Today, I attended a conference all about adoption. The focus was on creating nurturing transitions for newborns. However, the information shared is useful for all age ranges. The keynote speaker is an author and has been working and teaching in the adoption field for decades. There was a lot of good information in her keynote address.

I was moved deeply by the stories shared in a panel discussion format. The panels were made of up adoptive parents, birth parents (including 2 birth fathers) who had placed a child up for adoption and included 3 adoptees-1 adult, 1 teenager and 1 ten year old. The adoptions had taken place between about 5 and 50 years ago. The speakers were of varying ages and ethnicities.

I really learned a lot, and am inspired to think about how I may help people involved in and/or considering adoption. One thing that I noticed is that adoption is a life long process. There are many layers of emotion to the decision and there is no adoption that takes place without issues of grief and loss. There is loss for the birth parents, the adopted person and the adoptive parents. There is loss for the extended family of both sets of parents. There is loss that is felt but "discouraged" and mostly hidden by birth fathers.

The stories and experiences were very different, all across the spectrum from open to semi-open and closed adoptions. Things have shifted in the way unplanned pregnancies and adoptions are "handled" in the past 50 years or so. Mostly for the better, it sounds like. Although, we still have a lot of room for improvement.

It was inspiring, emotional, moving and made me want to do better in my work. It also reinforced the importance of honoring the birth family of my own children that are joining my family via adoption. I was especially moved by the stories of the birth fathers. I had the opportunity to have one of them join our table for lunch after the panel discussion. I was (all at once) impressed, dismayed, saddened, angered, encouraged and inspired by this man's heartfelt sharing of his experience. He had an ability to put words to an incredibly complex and painful experience, and on some small level, I was able to "get it" to maybe grasp just a little of what this had been like for him. I was angered by the way he was treated. I was dismayed by the depth of the pain that he still experiences over this loss that "happened" about 15 years ago. I was moved to tears by the fact that he had tattooed his daughter's name on his body so that he could have a visual reminder, an outward symbol of the daughter he "thinks about every 10 seconds, at least 100 times a day." Wow.

I was impressed by the teenager who sat between the woman who gave birth to her and the woman who adopted her, they were one big happy open adoption family. When the teen was asked how she handled nosy questions and comments from her friends, she responded "they can just get over it." She was stumped by us (the professionals in the audience) wanting to know how she handled this, or if her friends thought her family was weird. She said "this is normal to me, just the way it always has been." She did not think of herself or her family as different. She thought of it only as her family. Wow.

And there were many other stories, painful, inspiring, joyful, ever-changing. People are people and things change/evolve through the years. It sort of made me remember my philosophy that life is good AND bad, it's a big sticky mess at times, terribly painful, incredibly happy and everything in between. It is not all good or all bad. It is both, at the same time. The same appears to be true about adoption.

It also reinforced my belief that time alone is not an indicator of healing. I've always disagreed with the saying that "time heals all wounds." Time alone does not. It takes a bit of faith, a bit of work, a bit of grieving, a bit of being real and admitting when one needs help. And ALL of that takes time. It also takes forgiveness. Of self and of others.

I am thankful for all of these folks-for their willingness to talk about the hard stuff. To share their struggles and their triumphs. To be real. It is so enlightening, and inspires me to do better and to give thanks more freely.

One year ago.....

Image by hoyasmeg via Flickr

I took a step of faith, obeying God and following Him way, way, WAY out of my comfort zone. I don't know if I can convey just how far out of my comfort zone this was....you'll just have to trust me on this one. (One example, I used to get nervous driving to CANADA. seriously. I used to be so fear-based, it blows my mind, looking back.)

I went on my first short term mission trip ever last year at this time.

When our church started planning the mission trips for that year, there were 3 or 4 separate trips planned, to different countries. In the early planning stages, the meetings were held jointly for all the different trips. The various leaders would present information on the country and the projects that the team would be doing while in country. Then we would split up into smaller groups based on the country/team/trip we were most interested in.

I went to the meetings, because I have always been interested in missions.

But I never had the __________________ (time, money, ability, group to go with, faith, etc., you fill in the blank with any excuse you can think of, and I had it) to go.

I would listen to the plans and discussions and think, that'd be neat, but I never did anything about it.

Eventually it came time to commit (*uh-oh, I have commitment issues also) to one trip, one country.

Haiti just "floated to the top" of my interest list. It wasn't like there was a big flashing neon sign or an audible word from God, but more like it just felt right. Haiti got "under my skin" and "into my heart" from the begining.

And so, I went about making plans.

Passport. Check.
Shots. Check.
Time off work. Check.
Fundraising. Check.
Gathering supplies. Check.
Reading all I could about Haiti and Three Angels Children's Relief. Check.
Packing. Check.

I remember the anxiety mixed with excitement.

I remember the full blown fear that tried to turn to panic at times.

I remember thinking of all the good I was going to do. (this one is funny in hindsight)

I remember wondering if I was doing the right thing, for the right reasons.

I remember getting negativity and objections and an overall lack of support from some people. Some of which I expected. Others were a shock.

I remember raising exactly the amount I needed to pay for this trip, down to the dollar, by the deadline/due date.

Even on the day of departure, there were things that came up that in the past, would have made me change my mind and stay home. But somehow, this day, this time was different. When the "things" came up, I became more determined-I viewed the obstacles as confirmation that I was indeed on the right path.

And so, I took a leap of faith.

And I will be forever grateful that I did.

For it is on that first trip that I met the children that God had chosen for our family from the beginning of time.

And I began what I have come to call our "adoption adventure". And what an adventure it has been and will continue to be.

I still don't know when the boys will come home, but God does.

I still can't see how I am going to pay all of the adoption fees, but God has a plan.

I don't know what sort of emotional or behavioral issues the boys are going to have or not have. But God does, and He will equip us to deal with whatever it is that we will need to deal with, in the right time, His perfect timing.


What I CAN see is this:

I now have now is a deeper and closer relationship with God. It is mind-blowing at times.

I am starting to get and really understand what words like: surrender, acceptance, trust, love and faith look and feel like.

I have a stronger and more intense prayer life.

I have a building confidence in God as my provider.

I have many many more opportunities to share with all sorts of people what God has done in my life, how He has adopted me, into His family. How I am not who I was.

I have friends all over the world who share the same passion for people less fortunate than we are. I have friends, oh, do I have a whole new network of friends: for prayer, for support, for venting, for encouraging, for learning, for understanding, for listening, for crying together.

And I have a family. A mother's love. A connection to two children that I did not give birth to.

And even if these children never come home to live with us, I will have gained much. No matter what happens in this world, I have gained much from this "adoption adventure" that started with a simple step of faithful obedience.

And for that, I am grateful.

Moved.
To.
Tears.
Grateful.

On.
My.
Knees.
In.
Humble.
Prayer.
Grateful.


Readers, if God is telling you to do something, please do not delay and miss out on the blessings He wants for you. Obedience is the key. Stepping outside of our comfortable lives is the key. I implore you not to put off obeying God.

God is good.

He loves you.

He's not mad at you.

He wants you back.

No matter what.

I get it now. I finally get it, God.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Mathew 6:34

I could not have said this better.

Image by www.PCharlon.es  via Flickr

My friend Stephanie wrote a post today, that sums up most of what I've been experiencing lately.

Click here to read A Love/Hate Relationship.

Life. Death. Adoption. Attachment.

Our last Christmas together.

Today is the fourth anniversary of my mom's transition from this life to eternal life.

Four years.

48 months.

208 weeks.

1460 days.

Wow.

That is hard to fathom.

On one hand, it feels like yesterday.

On the other hand, it seems like an eternity ago.

Four years.

Throughout my life, I have lost many things.

Dreams.

Plans.

Hopes.

Relationships.

Pets.

Money.

The "ideal."

Jobs/Careers.

Innocence.

I have also lost other people. Acquaintances. Friends. Children of friends. Relatives. This was not my first experience with death. I attended funerals. I cried for those other people and their families. I was sad. Down. Blue. Grieving. Or so I thought. I guess in my own limited capacity, I was indeed grieving.

When my mom died it was an experience (pain) like no other. Now that I am on this Adoption Adventure and learning more about "attachment" I look back on that time, and can really see exactly what "attachment" is. The only problem is that you can't really see "attachment." It's not something you can hold in your hand and measure. The pain and grief that I experienced when my mom died was different than those earlier losses.

More intense.

More excruciating.

More painful.

And that, my friends, is evidence of "attachment." As complicated as my relationship with my mother was at times, there is absolutely no question that we shared "attachment."

As I watch my friends and relatives and their children interact, I do see glimpses of "attachment." I see the infants cry when their mom puts them down or leaves the room. I see the preschoolers come running to their moms when they fall down or when the other kids aren't being nice and their feelings are hurt. I see kids whisper to their mom because they are too shy to talk in front of me or the group of adults that is gathered around someones kitchen island. I even see "attachment" in the way a big (teenage) brother looks out for one of his younger siblings.

It seems to me that "attachment" is something that is learned. Over time. Parents who give birth to their kids and/or adopt them as an infant have a leg up on fostering "attachment" over those of us adopting older children. This is part a function of time, and part a function of infancy. A new born baby requires a lot of time and attention. And a newborn baby is so small, so precious, so cute, that we (adults) feel warm and fuzzy toward that baby, automatically (in most instances).

If baby cries and a parent meets the need-comforts the child, the child feels warm and fuzzy and "attachment" is created. And then reinforced over and over by the positive interactions and care giving of the parent to the child. This happens millions of times during infancy, and the child learns to trust that his/her needs will be met. As opposed to the child living in a neglectful or abusive situation, on the streets, or in an orphanage setting. In those situations, often, the child cries/has a need and there is not an adult available to meet the need. Or worse, the expressed need is met by abuse or harm. So the child learns that he/she must meet their own needs, and eventually shuts down the feeling of need, because it is just too painful to express a need and have it go unmet. This is a useful survival skill, but it will be a problem in future relationships. It will be a block to true intimacy and connection.

Now for those of us adopting older children, the good news is that this "attachment" can be learned (in my opinion). You can meet the needs of your older adopted child by treating them as you would an infant.

For a season.

Responding to their needs. Promptly.

Figuring out what their different cries mean.

Comforting them.

Feeding them.

Rocking them.

Snuggling/cuddling them.

Paying attention to them.

Being fully present with them.

Trying to figure out what their (mis)behavior is telling you.

Spending time with them.

Helping them build a vocabulary to ask for what they need.

Remember, that even though your child is older, chronologically, they are in a different place (younger) developmentally. Even that child that acts more mature and all grown up. Perhaps, especially that child.

So, when my older kids come home, and you see me "babying" them, don't judge. When we request some time alone, just our immediate family and the new arrivals, don't be upset.

Just know that I am trying to teach them that I am the one they can come to when they need something. Know that I am trying to help them unlearn some stuff they've learned along the way and re-learn what it means to be a child, to be loved, nurtured and taken care of and kept safe.

Eventually, they will get it. At least that is my prayer. Once they "attach" to me, they will be able to "attach" to others and to God. After all, that is the "attachment" that matters most. If they can't do it with me, their mama, how on earth can we expect them to develop healthy relationships with other people and a healthy spiritual condition? That is my job, to point them toward their heavenly Father-who is the only one who can meet all our needs. If I can do that, I have done my job.

I "get" what attachment is now, because I have experienced the loss of it. Or more accurately, the loss of someone to whom I was very attached. It's one of those concepts that you have to experience to "get." And, I have survived the loss. Learned a lot. Grown closer to God, mostly out of necessity. I had no choice but to crawl up into my "Papa's" lap and be comforted. And comforted I was. Amazingly. Indescribably. Beyond words. And my "attachment" to God has grown because I was Held (Natalie Grant song) There's the blessing in disguise-the silver lining in the cloud.

I started to "feel like my self again" around the 3 year mark of my mother's death. The pain stopped being so sharp and, well, painful that I thought I would die. Literally, there were days (months and years, actually) that I thought the pain would kill me.

It.

Was.

Physical.

Like my heart would explode.

It became less and less-and one day it was like a veil was lifted-the fog cleared a little and I felt....different. Not like "my old self" as that person is gone, different, changed now. But I felt different.....I don't really know how else to describe it. Peaceful? Accepting? Accepted? Comforted? Confident that I am loved?

Now, at the four year mark, the acute, sharp physical pain is gone. And in it's place is more of a dull ache. I just plain miss her. I wish she was here to share all this Adoption Adventure stuff with. And to share what God's been doing in my life. Oh, do I wish she were here and oh, do I miss her. But that is selfish. She's hanging out with God and is HEALED. And "at least a thousand times, I've rejoiced for" her (from the song Homesick by Mercy Me). But I no longer feel like I am going to die. And I have a deeper appreciation of the concept of "attachment" and my "attachment" to God has grown. So, that's progress.

May is a bittersweet month for me. The entire month is an up and down roller coaster of emotion. There's lots of highs and lows. Happy and sad things to celebrate/remember during this month. Add to that the things (milestones) going on with our Adoption Adventure (read about Steeve here and Jean Baptiste here)

I have learned to just "go with the flow" most of the time, and not fight it. Fighting it is my natural inclination. I practice a lot of radical acceptance "it is how it is" sort of stuff. I talk to God a lot. When I am able to listen, I receive even more comfort and "peace in the midst of chaos" as the (Sanctus Real) song goes. And my "attachment" to God is strengthened.

God wants YOU to know that He's not mad at you. He wants YOU back. He's waiting with open arms for you to crawl up in His lap and receive comfort and love. No matter where YOU've been or what YOU've done or gone through, God IS NOT MAD AT YOU. And He wants you back. Take it from me. I've experienced it. It's true.

In memory of my mom, this week has 2 featured links up in the side bar-on the left side of the screen. One will take you to the Hospice of Northwest Ohio's page "Myths about Hospice" Go there and learn something. Share it with a friend or family member. Those Hospice folks were a God-send-a true blessing. I wish we had involved them sooner.

The other is a how to guide to breast self exam. Click on the pic that says "feel your boobies" to go to the guide, then do it. Share it with a friend.

God Bless.

And another Haitian child moves closer to home....

I was contacted by another mom, who I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting in the real world, and she let me know that her daughter is almost home too-at the very end of the process...and they are praying she gets home before her birthday, which is in June.

Click here to read Abbie's blog.

That makes 9 NINE 9 children close to going home at Three Angels. (at least that I am aware of. I am not keeping an official list, this is just from moms/dads I have traveled with or met via blogland or facebook).

Wowsers.

So exciting!

God is great.

Haiti bound

I start the first leg of my journey to Haiti tomorrow morning-I should get to Florida in the afternoon. I'm excited and tired! Can't wait to see the boys and hug & squeeze them. :-)

I will try to blog here and there-if possible.

Don't forget to check out our hand made jewelry auction at our Bringing Our Boys Home blog.

The bidding will be open til the end of April.

All you have to do to bid is leave a comment on the post/item that you are interested in.

Please pass along the link, share it with everyone you know.

Your prayers over this trip are needed and appreciated.

Thanks!

Ahhhhhh, My Family. Together.

Thank you God, for putting us together.

Thank you, Paige for this picture.

Thank you, Three Angels for taking care of the children.