One year ago.....

Image by hoyasmeg via Flickr

I took a step of faith, obeying God and following Him way, way, WAY out of my comfort zone. I don't know if I can convey just how far out of my comfort zone this was....you'll just have to trust me on this one. (One example, I used to get nervous driving to CANADA. seriously. I used to be so fear-based, it blows my mind, looking back.)

I went on my first short term mission trip ever last year at this time.

When our church started planning the mission trips for that year, there were 3 or 4 separate trips planned, to different countries. In the early planning stages, the meetings were held jointly for all the different trips. The various leaders would present information on the country and the projects that the team would be doing while in country. Then we would split up into smaller groups based on the country/team/trip we were most interested in.

I went to the meetings, because I have always been interested in missions.

But I never had the __________________ (time, money, ability, group to go with, faith, etc., you fill in the blank with any excuse you can think of, and I had it) to go.

I would listen to the plans and discussions and think, that'd be neat, but I never did anything about it.

Eventually it came time to commit (*uh-oh, I have commitment issues also) to one trip, one country.

Haiti just "floated to the top" of my interest list. It wasn't like there was a big flashing neon sign or an audible word from God, but more like it just felt right. Haiti got "under my skin" and "into my heart" from the begining.

And so, I went about making plans.

Passport. Check.
Shots. Check.
Time off work. Check.
Fundraising. Check.
Gathering supplies. Check.
Reading all I could about Haiti and Three Angels Children's Relief. Check.
Packing. Check.

I remember the anxiety mixed with excitement.

I remember the full blown fear that tried to turn to panic at times.

I remember thinking of all the good I was going to do. (this one is funny in hindsight)

I remember wondering if I was doing the right thing, for the right reasons.

I remember getting negativity and objections and an overall lack of support from some people. Some of which I expected. Others were a shock.

I remember raising exactly the amount I needed to pay for this trip, down to the dollar, by the deadline/due date.

Even on the day of departure, there were things that came up that in the past, would have made me change my mind and stay home. But somehow, this day, this time was different. When the "things" came up, I became more determined-I viewed the obstacles as confirmation that I was indeed on the right path.

And so, I took a leap of faith.

And I will be forever grateful that I did.

For it is on that first trip that I met the children that God had chosen for our family from the beginning of time.

And I began what I have come to call our "adoption adventure". And what an adventure it has been and will continue to be.

I still don't know when the boys will come home, but God does.

I still can't see how I am going to pay all of the adoption fees, but God has a plan.

I don't know what sort of emotional or behavioral issues the boys are going to have or not have. But God does, and He will equip us to deal with whatever it is that we will need to deal with, in the right time, His perfect timing.


What I CAN see is this:

I now have now is a deeper and closer relationship with God. It is mind-blowing at times.

I am starting to get and really understand what words like: surrender, acceptance, trust, love and faith look and feel like.

I have a stronger and more intense prayer life.

I have a building confidence in God as my provider.

I have many many more opportunities to share with all sorts of people what God has done in my life, how He has adopted me, into His family. How I am not who I was.

I have friends all over the world who share the same passion for people less fortunate than we are. I have friends, oh, do I have a whole new network of friends: for prayer, for support, for venting, for encouraging, for learning, for understanding, for listening, for crying together.

And I have a family. A mother's love. A connection to two children that I did not give birth to.

And even if these children never come home to live with us, I will have gained much. No matter what happens in this world, I have gained much from this "adoption adventure" that started with a simple step of faithful obedience.

And for that, I am grateful.

Moved.
To.
Tears.
Grateful.

On.
My.
Knees.
In.
Humble.
Prayer.
Grateful.


Readers, if God is telling you to do something, please do not delay and miss out on the blessings He wants for you. Obedience is the key. Stepping outside of our comfortable lives is the key. I implore you not to put off obeying God.

God is good.

He loves you.

He's not mad at you.

He wants you back.

No matter what.

I get it now. I finally get it, God.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Mathew 6:34

aaahhh....I needed this today....

Image by The Library of Congress via Flickr

Lord, You are my God.

I honor and praise You

because you have done amazing things.

You have always done what You said You would do;

You have done what You planned long ago.

Is. 25:1

You, Lord give true peace to those who depend on You, because they trust You.

So, (Lena) trust the Lord always

because He is our Rock forever.

Is. 26:3-4

Thank You, Lord for this reminder.

Help me to keep my focus in the right place, today.

On You.

Amen.

Homesick for Haiti

Here are two wonderfully written posts- I couldn't have said it any better. I have no news, nothing has changed in our adoption. So it's not a bad news day. It's just another no news day, of which there will be many many many more.

I'm feeling Haiti homesick at the moment. To feel better, I pray. And I look at pictures and videos. That helps, some.

I'm really missing the boys today. Wish I could hop on a plane.....

at any rate, here's what I wanted to share with you today.

Adoption Delays

and

What's Wrong With Us?

Life. Death. Adoption. Attachment.

Our last Christmas together.

Today is the fourth anniversary of my mom's transition from this life to eternal life.

Four years.

48 months.

208 weeks.

1460 days.

Wow.

That is hard to fathom.

On one hand, it feels like yesterday.

On the other hand, it seems like an eternity ago.

Four years.

Throughout my life, I have lost many things.

Dreams.

Plans.

Hopes.

Relationships.

Pets.

Money.

The "ideal."

Jobs/Careers.

Innocence.

I have also lost other people. Acquaintances. Friends. Children of friends. Relatives. This was not my first experience with death. I attended funerals. I cried for those other people and their families. I was sad. Down. Blue. Grieving. Or so I thought. I guess in my own limited capacity, I was indeed grieving.

When my mom died it was an experience (pain) like no other. Now that I am on this Adoption Adventure and learning more about "attachment" I look back on that time, and can really see exactly what "attachment" is. The only problem is that you can't really see "attachment." It's not something you can hold in your hand and measure. The pain and grief that I experienced when my mom died was different than those earlier losses.

More intense.

More excruciating.

More painful.

And that, my friends, is evidence of "attachment." As complicated as my relationship with my mother was at times, there is absolutely no question that we shared "attachment."

As I watch my friends and relatives and their children interact, I do see glimpses of "attachment." I see the infants cry when their mom puts them down or leaves the room. I see the preschoolers come running to their moms when they fall down or when the other kids aren't being nice and their feelings are hurt. I see kids whisper to their mom because they are too shy to talk in front of me or the group of adults that is gathered around someones kitchen island. I even see "attachment" in the way a big (teenage) brother looks out for one of his younger siblings.

It seems to me that "attachment" is something that is learned. Over time. Parents who give birth to their kids and/or adopt them as an infant have a leg up on fostering "attachment" over those of us adopting older children. This is part a function of time, and part a function of infancy. A new born baby requires a lot of time and attention. And a newborn baby is so small, so precious, so cute, that we (adults) feel warm and fuzzy toward that baby, automatically (in most instances).

If baby cries and a parent meets the need-comforts the child, the child feels warm and fuzzy and "attachment" is created. And then reinforced over and over by the positive interactions and care giving of the parent to the child. This happens millions of times during infancy, and the child learns to trust that his/her needs will be met. As opposed to the child living in a neglectful or abusive situation, on the streets, or in an orphanage setting. In those situations, often, the child cries/has a need and there is not an adult available to meet the need. Or worse, the expressed need is met by abuse or harm. So the child learns that he/she must meet their own needs, and eventually shuts down the feeling of need, because it is just too painful to express a need and have it go unmet. This is a useful survival skill, but it will be a problem in future relationships. It will be a block to true intimacy and connection.

Now for those of us adopting older children, the good news is that this "attachment" can be learned (in my opinion). You can meet the needs of your older adopted child by treating them as you would an infant.

For a season.

Responding to their needs. Promptly.

Figuring out what their different cries mean.

Comforting them.

Feeding them.

Rocking them.

Snuggling/cuddling them.

Paying attention to them.

Being fully present with them.

Trying to figure out what their (mis)behavior is telling you.

Spending time with them.

Helping them build a vocabulary to ask for what they need.

Remember, that even though your child is older, chronologically, they are in a different place (younger) developmentally. Even that child that acts more mature and all grown up. Perhaps, especially that child.

So, when my older kids come home, and you see me "babying" them, don't judge. When we request some time alone, just our immediate family and the new arrivals, don't be upset.

Just know that I am trying to teach them that I am the one they can come to when they need something. Know that I am trying to help them unlearn some stuff they've learned along the way and re-learn what it means to be a child, to be loved, nurtured and taken care of and kept safe.

Eventually, they will get it. At least that is my prayer. Once they "attach" to me, they will be able to "attach" to others and to God. After all, that is the "attachment" that matters most. If they can't do it with me, their mama, how on earth can we expect them to develop healthy relationships with other people and a healthy spiritual condition? That is my job, to point them toward their heavenly Father-who is the only one who can meet all our needs. If I can do that, I have done my job.

I "get" what attachment is now, because I have experienced the loss of it. Or more accurately, the loss of someone to whom I was very attached. It's one of those concepts that you have to experience to "get." And, I have survived the loss. Learned a lot. Grown closer to God, mostly out of necessity. I had no choice but to crawl up into my "Papa's" lap and be comforted. And comforted I was. Amazingly. Indescribably. Beyond words. And my "attachment" to God has grown because I was Held (Natalie Grant song) There's the blessing in disguise-the silver lining in the cloud.

I started to "feel like my self again" around the 3 year mark of my mother's death. The pain stopped being so sharp and, well, painful that I thought I would die. Literally, there were days (months and years, actually) that I thought the pain would kill me.

It.

Was.

Physical.

Like my heart would explode.

It became less and less-and one day it was like a veil was lifted-the fog cleared a little and I felt....different. Not like "my old self" as that person is gone, different, changed now. But I felt different.....I don't really know how else to describe it. Peaceful? Accepting? Accepted? Comforted? Confident that I am loved?

Now, at the four year mark, the acute, sharp physical pain is gone. And in it's place is more of a dull ache. I just plain miss her. I wish she was here to share all this Adoption Adventure stuff with. And to share what God's been doing in my life. Oh, do I wish she were here and oh, do I miss her. But that is selfish. She's hanging out with God and is HEALED. And "at least a thousand times, I've rejoiced for" her (from the song Homesick by Mercy Me). But I no longer feel like I am going to die. And I have a deeper appreciation of the concept of "attachment" and my "attachment" to God has grown. So, that's progress.

May is a bittersweet month for me. The entire month is an up and down roller coaster of emotion. There's lots of highs and lows. Happy and sad things to celebrate/remember during this month. Add to that the things (milestones) going on with our Adoption Adventure (read about Steeve here and Jean Baptiste here)

I have learned to just "go with the flow" most of the time, and not fight it. Fighting it is my natural inclination. I practice a lot of radical acceptance "it is how it is" sort of stuff. I talk to God a lot. When I am able to listen, I receive even more comfort and "peace in the midst of chaos" as the (Sanctus Real) song goes. And my "attachment" to God is strengthened.

God wants YOU to know that He's not mad at you. He wants YOU back. He's waiting with open arms for you to crawl up in His lap and receive comfort and love. No matter where YOU've been or what YOU've done or gone through, God IS NOT MAD AT YOU. And He wants you back. Take it from me. I've experienced it. It's true.

In memory of my mom, this week has 2 featured links up in the side bar-on the left side of the screen. One will take you to the Hospice of Northwest Ohio's page "Myths about Hospice" Go there and learn something. Share it with a friend or family member. Those Hospice folks were a God-send-a true blessing. I wish we had involved them sooner.

The other is a how to guide to breast self exam. Click on the pic that says "feel your boobies" to go to the guide, then do it. Share it with a friend.

God Bless.

A reminder for me....

I love Ephesians 3:20.

It stuck in my head one time, a looong time ago.

I was attending a church with one of those suit wearing, leather Bible carrying pastors from the South. You know the pastor that gets a little fired up when he's preaching? Always moving around on the stage/in the pulpit. Looking right at ya. Sometimes hollerin'. Usually getting red in the face-he's so on fire with what he is saying-the kind that makes you wanna yell "PREACH IT BROTHER!!" even though you wouldn't dare? (or at least I wouldn't dare) LOL.


I loved that man's preachin'. He could get me fired up. And this is one of those times when he did just that. The passage is from Ephesians chapter 3, and it's verse 20 that is forever ingrained in my head and my heart.

Here it is in several different versions.

New King James:

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us,


New Living Translation:

Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope.


New International Version:

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,


English Standard Version:

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us,


New American Standard Bible:

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us,

**********************************************************

I think that I like this verse so much because it is a good reminder. It helps me to get God out of the box I have a tendency to (sometimes) put Him in.

And, because I have a pretty vivid imagination. I'm one of those people who prefers to read a book rather than see the movie because it is always, somehow, better in the book (and therefore in my head/imagination) than the movie. I picture the way the people in the book look. I can smell the smells, feel the feelings-imagine the entire thing-a movie of my own making, with help from the author. If I've read the book, you can pretty much put money on the fact that I will be disappointed in the movie.


And this verse reminds me that although I can imagine some pretty great stuff. Our God is able to do much much more than I can imagine, think or ask.

Exceedingly more.

Abundantly more.

Immeasureably more.

Infinitely more.

Wow.


I.

Can.

Imagine.

Some.

Pretty.

Great.

Awesome.

Wonderful.

Terrific.

Stuff.

Really.

I.

Can.

In fact, I have even been a part of some really great, awesome, wonderful, terrific things in life.

Moments when the world seems as it should be-all is right with the world.

My family is all together.

Or enjoying the breathtaking beauty of God's Creation

whether that be a newborn baby

or the vastness of the ocean

or the quiet coolness of a mountain breeze

or the gift of an awesome meal

or watching a reunion between a mom and her adopted child

or watching children I've grown to love come home to their forever families

or a moment of tender loving care

or a piece of dark chocolate ;-)

or a moment of Peace

or a moment of helping someone see and understand and feel the depth of God's love for them

or a teachable moment where I see a child GET something-really GET it, understand it and learn it.

Or __________________ you fill in the blank.

I could go on and on.


Little bits of heaven on earth.


And God can do MORE than that.


WAAAAY more than that.

Wow.

Lord, thank you for reminding me WHO YOU ARE.

Please forgive me for sometimes putting you in a box.

Please help me to see what you see-give me your eyes as the (Brandon Heath) song goes.

Help me to do your will, to play my part in your plan-whatever that may be.

Thank you for adopting me into your family.

Thank you for allowing us to take part in this Adoption Adventure.

Help me to keep my eyes on You and not on my problems or perceived obstacles, while we journey together so that I may be an encouragement to others and bring GLORY TO YOU.

Help me to stay surrendered to Your will and to submit this entire Adoption Adventure to You. After all, those children belong to You, not to me.

Thank you for the abundant blessings you have already given me, I am grateful.

Humbled.

and.

Awed.

My heart is going to burst....good news in Haitian Adoptions

My heart is going to burst with joy, and in a good way......

:-)

Click on the names to read the good news.

Cara

Kathy

I'm so happy for these families. And I'm aware of a few others that have had movement in their files this week. I think the last time I did a quick count, there are about 8 children in the end stages....almost home to their forever families at the orphanage where the boys are........The two families above account for 5 children.

Praise God.

I'm so excited.

God is faithful.

God is great.

Movement in the Haitian adoption process.

WOOHOO!

Miracles do happen.

Pictures from my most recent (and all previous) trips are up on my facebook page.

I want to tell you what happened on the day that I came home from Haiti.

To me, it is more evidence that God exists. That God cares. That God listens and answers prayers. That prayers matter. Those of you who have traveled to Haiti via Miami International will understand this more than those who have not. I know that many of my readers have a relationship with God, and this is not new information for you. Consider it a reminder then. :-) I also know that I have other readers who are skeptical or don't have a relationship with God. At any rate, I just felt I needed to share this story of not just "traveling mercy" as we so often ask for, but of several "traveling miracles".


So our team arrives at the airport in Haiti and as I'm checking in, the ticket agent tells me that our flight out is delayed by about 90 minutes. Okay, that's not unusual.

Then she says I won't make my connection in Miami. So she's looking in the computer, intently, trying to find another flight from Miami to Phoenix. She's looking. She's searching. She's looking. She's frowning. After what seems like an eternity, she informs me that there are no more flights from Miami to Phoenix until 24 hours AFTER the one I'm booked on.

Groan.

I ask her to check other routes, non-direct flights etc. She does, and says, even if I stop in Dallas, there is still nothing the same day.

Groan.

She excuses herself for a moment, ducks into the back room for some unknown reason. While she is gone, I quickly explain to one of my traveling buds-Kristina, what is going on, and say "Please pray!" which both Kristina and I do silently while the ticket agent is gone.

When she returns she says, "well, you might make it. So I will leave it alone, but also put a ticket on hold for this other flight tomorrow." So I figure that her supervisor told her to leave it alone, and let it be Miami's problem once I get there and miss the flight.

But whatever.

So off we go to "hurry up and wait" which is what traveling by air entails. Several hours later, we get on the plane and we're off, about 90 minutes later than scheduled.


This is where the miracles start (in my opinion):

in 59 minutes, exactly:


I make it off the plane, from the rear-almost the very back-row 31.
I get through the first desk for Customs & Immigration. (you know the place with the 20+ lines that usually resembles a mob scene after the long walk from the plane?)
I get to baggage claim.
I get both of my bags, with a little help from my friends.
I get through the 2nd desk/check point for Customs & Immigration.
I get to security screening check point and re-check my 2 bags.
I get upstairs from the baggage claim area and head to terminal D.
I get through security.
I make it all the way to the END of concourse D-to gate D49. Sometimes jogging, sometimes walking briskly. At least 2x stepping right out of my flip flops. And at every bathroom and sandwhich stand, debating if I have time to stop. Needing to stop, somewhat desperately.

Being unable to locate a clock or the current local time, anywhere, I decide it best to keep moving.

As I approach the gate, I hear my name being called over the loudspeaker-and the words "final call for boarding and immediate departure."

I make it to my seat and we leave.

WHEW.

All of this in 59 minutes, exactly.

and, get this.

When I arrive in Phoenix, I tell my hubby that we are most likely going to have to wait til all the bags are unloaded, so that I can file a claim with baggage services.

There is no way, in that mad dash that my 2 checked bags got on the plane.

No way.

But guess what?

They did.

Both of them.


And so, I am reminded that prayer is important and that God is still in the business of miracles.

I was so happy to be home and to reconnect with my hubby. Of course, I am sad and I miss the boys something fierce. And at the same time, it is good to be home. So good.

Thank you to my traveling buds and friends, for your help and prayers. Thank you God for knowing what I needed and allowing it to happen. Thanks also for the gift of being able to travel to spend time with the boys.

Thank you!

God Moments.....part two

click here to read God Moments part one


I've had a super busy week, weekend and I'm at the start of another busy week. It's funny how life is like that, sometimes. I have actually had something to do every single night for the past 8 or 9 days. In addition to work at my job and my practice. Oh, and chores at home, shopping, bills, other commitments. You know, this grown up, adult life I am supposed to be living. (when did I become a grown up? is there some where I can file a grievance? lol)

I'm doing okay, but I am tired.

I think I will survive though. :-)

We had a busy and productive weekend, and on Sunday, I was able to stay close to home, in fact, I didn't venture out at all. It was nice for my introverted self to have a day at home. I did a lot of things, but I was at home, one of my favorite places in the world.

Then we're on to the start of the week. Mondays, I normally only see a few clients in my private practice office. Yesterday was different though, I had been asked to fill in at the hospital for a co-worker. So it was an especially busy day, because I was doing both things in the same day, and I have a study that I do on Monday evenings. So I knew starting out it was going to be a long day. And right now, Tuesdays are a little like that too. Not as tough as this Monday, but still a long day.

I was feeling a little weary, but not excessively. I wasn't even grouchy, at this point in my Monday. I'm working so hard now, so we can reach some goals, both for the adoption and ourselves. Raising kids is expensive and hard work, so we are using this time to prepare. So I have a goal, and that helps me to push through the tiredness and keep moving. And the person that I'm covering for most of the time at the hospital is returning next week, so that will alter my schedule and my pay check significantly. As I mentioned before, I could use the break.


And then, the God moment happened.

You know how sometimes, things seem to converge all at once....the music playing, the sights, the sounds, the smells, the thoughts? I don't know, maybe this only happens to me......but at any rate, it does happen to me sometimes.

I was driving to work and I got stopped at a red light. No big deal. I'm not late, it's all good.

This is a bad habit that I have developed recently-I picked up my phone to look at it and see if I had any new message. I wish I wouldn't do that while I was driving. But this time, it turned out to be a good (God) thing. And I was stopped at a red light.

So, I'm in the car. Stopped at a red light. I look at my phone and see an email notification that I have received a payment from someone via ChipIn & PayPal. It takes me a second to realize....that this blessing, this gift is from a stranger. And it is a generous gift. At first, I'm confused, I don't know why I'm getting money from Paypal. I don't have any current listings on ebay. Then I remember the ChipIn link on my blog.

At the same instant that I'm processing all of this, the radio suddenly comes into my awareness.

A man's voice is singing

"There's a light at the end of this tunnel.
There's a light at the end of this tunnel.
There's a light at the end of this tunnel for you."

Just like that. A warm, sweet, simple God moment. I felt God's love and encouragement. He will provide. He IS providing. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, for me. A bit of encouragement at just the right time. A reminder that God is in control and I don't need to worry or stress out so much. I can get through this week. And guess what? Next week I'll be on my way to Haiti, another one of my favorite places in the world.

:-)

That song played in my head all day long.

Never underestimate the power of giving.....whether it be money, food, an encouraging word, a friendly smile.......You never know how God plans to use it to bless someone else who really needs it. At just the right time. At just the right moment. In just the right way.

God is great.

God moments....part one

When I sat down to write this post, I had a different result in mind. However, this is how it came out, and so perhaps some body out there needs to read it. I will continue with part two-which is what I wanted to tell you about at first....but here is God Moments, part one.....

I have experienced instances of what I have come to call "God moments." I have these moments, when it's as if all of my senses are heightened-and I can see/hear/feel/sense God in that moment. Sometimes, it's a moment of clarity that hits like a bolt of lightning. Sometimes it's a gentle reminder of something I need to hear. Often, it happens in times of pain-grief or sadness over some situation or relationship or loss. Often, it is right smack in the middle of a seemingly normal moment in a busy day. This post is about the first kind. Part two is about the second kind.

Some of the most recent God moments were during a dark time in my life. I have identified 3 seasons in my life that are what you could call "dark nights of the soul". Painful, excruciating seasons that when they were happening, I wasn't sure I would survive. Tough times, but tougher than most. Times when I thought the pain would surely kill me. The first two dark times, I did not turn to God. I tried to do things my way. To deal with the pain and the problems in my own way, on my own timing. What a joke! All I did was succeed in making things worse. Hurt myself and other people along the way.

By the time the 3rd dark season came along, my relationship with God had really started to blossom and grow. I found a Bible teaching church that was about Relationship, not religion. I had some honest to goodness, sincere, growing Christian friends. People who understood a lot more about God's real character than I ever learned in my "religion". And this season was the darkest of my life so far. The hardest thing I've had to live through so far. And I could see it coming. My mom had been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. She was dying.

On some level I had gained enough understanding to know that my ways were not working and that I was not going to be able to get through this season on my own. So I made a choice. I remember it clearly-I said to God, "okay, I'm going to do it Your way. Instead of trying to avoid the pain and run away, I'm going face it. But You will have to get me through it, because I can NOT do this. I believe You when You say that You will be with me, and I believe that Your ways are better than mine."

And that has made all the difference.

• I turned TO God instead of myself/my own ideas/ways for coping (ie avoiding).
• I turned to a select few trusted friends.
• I turned to prayer, my own (when I could) and asked others to pray for me when I could not.
• I turned to the pain, instead of trying to pretend "I'm okay."

The day of my mother's funeral has been the hardest day of my life, so far. I got through it by the grace of God, helped by the prayers of many Christ following friends. I literally experienced it like this story out of the book of Exodus (17:12-13):

As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up--one on one side, one on the other--so that his hands remained steady till sunset.

I felt people holding me up in prayer. As if good friends were hugging me, supporting me and helping me walk through that day. Holding my arms and my head up, because I could not do it myself. People were there, with me-what a gift that is. People who couldn't be there, physically, were there in spirit-in prayer. And I felt it. I felt people holding my hands up because I couldn't do it.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF YOUR PRAYERS.

And you know what I am learning on this journey we call following Christ?

God is good.

How kind the LORD is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours!
Psalms 116:5

God is kind.

Don't you realize how kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Or don't you care? Can't you see how kind he has been in giving you time to turn from your sin? Romans 2:4

God is loving.

For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

God is close to the broken-hearted.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, Isaiah 61:1

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

God is faithful and can be trusted.

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands. Deuteronomy 7:9

He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he. Deuteronomy 32:4

God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful. 1 Chronicles 1:9



These are not just words on a page. They are God's Word. They are love letters from God to me. And to you. I have not just read these words, I have experienced them. I have lived them.

Bottom line:

God's ways are better than mine.

God loves and accepts me, even when I screw up. The same is true for you. Honestly, it is true for you too.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Do you have questions about it? A strong reaction one way or the other? Click "additional thoughts" Let's talk about it.

Click here to read God Moments part two (what I originally sat down to tell you about)

a quick update....

Thanks for your prayer support. Our garage sale was a big success....and we got to meet another adoptive family (over the phone) due our similar activity (selling stuff to raise money for adoption expenses) on craigslist. That is cool. The mom called me up to talk and introduce herself. She has 2 adopted children at home, one from China, one from Guatemala, and is in the process with Ethiopia. And she has homegrown children too. NEAT!

We added a few special items to our Bringing Our Boys Home blog-the online jewelry auction.
We've posted some stuff for sale on Craigslist. If you're in the Phoenix area, check out our local craigslist and search Our2boys to see what we've got for sale.

We've been busy, but it's all good!

Now that the busiest week of my life is over, I can start to focus on the next trip. It'll be here before I know it. But I am really taking one day at a time right now. If I look too far ahead, I get overwhelmed and anxious and cranky. Oh and a little negative. So one day at a time it is. :-)

Plus-good news on one hand, bad on another-the guy I'm covering for at the hospital will be back soon, so that will free up my schedule some, to focus on my practice and all this other stuff that is my life. But it will hurt the checking account! It is what it is, and we'll make the best of it. I could use a little less work time, emotionally, right now. So I look forward to his return. I'll figure out the checking account later! LOL

Speaking of work, gotta go hit the sack. Gotta be up early.

Thanks for your prayers, encouragement and support. Thanks to all the donors and helpers and people who kept me company during the sale! I have been blessed with some of the best friends and family in the world. I'm so grateful.

Good night!

My focus for today....

This is the day that the Lord has made

I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalms 118:24 NKJV

and

Tree 63

Blessed Be Your Name

From the album The Answer To The Question

Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

And blessed be Your name when I’m found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed be your name

Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise

And when the darkness closes in Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name when the sun’s shining down on me

When the world’s “all as it should be”

Blessed be Your name

And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering

Though there’s pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say Lord,

blessed be Your name

*********************************

Faith is not a feeling.

Seriously, how much faith is required if everything goes according to my plans? If everything in my life is peachy and just the way I want it? Not much-that would turn to comfort which could then lead to pride-even arrogance "Look at what I've done. Look what I've got. I've got it under control." That is a sinful attitude that I am all too prone toward.

I may not feel like praising or rejoicing.

However, I have faith.

And I believe God is great.

All the time.

No matter what.

I will choose to exercise my faith by choosing to rejoice.

By choosing to praise.

Even when I cannot see a reason.

Even when things don't make any sense.

Even when things don't go the way I want them to.

Even when I don't get what I want.

That is what faith is.

*************************************************************

Thank you God for the gift of another day from (You) whom ALL BLESSINGS FLOW.

Thank you for caring enough to grow and stretch me-to grow my faith in You. I'm awed and humbled by the fact that you would even care or notice how I respond and that you want to grow me and increase my faith in You. I thank You for all You have done, are doing and will do in my life through this Adoption Adventure and beyond. Please protect those little boys and keep them safe and let them really feel your love. They need you, Father. I need you. In the precious name of Jesus. Amen.

Pray with us, please.

We are praying and believing that our I71h approval from the Phoenix office (praise that the office is nearby) of USCIS (Customs & Immigration Services) will arrive in time (by March 6) so that we make take it down to Haiti. Please pray with us that it will arrive without delay, that there will be no mistakes or requests for further information-that the office staff have everything they need to grant the approval and send the letter. Please pray that the mail is not delayed. This is the last piece of paper that we need for the American side of the adoption process.

We must have this letter to have an appointment in Haiti that begins the Haitian side of the adoption process. This letter and accompanying forms must be filed in person, in Haiti.

We are praying and believing, trusting God's perfect timing. Please join with us-your prayers are needed!

Additional Thoughts/Comments that include encouraging verses would be very much appreciated......

Here are 2 that came to mind this morning.


I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God. Bend down and listen as I pray.
Psalms 17:6


Then he touched their eyes and said, "Because of your faith, it will happen."

Matthew 9:29

God is soooo good....

Just a quick note to say....God is good-kind-loving-caring-generous.....




I've had a heck of a week, I'm exhausted. Lots of work, which is a good thing, but it's taking a physical and emotional toll.

I'm busy. Really Really Busy. Like so busy, I forgot to do something that I said I would do. That is not like me. Distracted. Forgetful. Ugh. (so sorry Michelle)

Lots of negativity and discouragement swirling around. Falling behind-unable to keep up the pace. This is Thursday....dragged myself home from the office......feeling worn out and down.....

And......



Then.......


I received a CD of pictures of the boys (and me) from another adoptive family that was on the December trip with me. (Thanks Lara and Tom)



AND.....


I got to see a lot of pictures of the kids, including our boys online from an adoptive dad that just returned from Haiti.....(Thanks Tim and Sarah).



AND......


I got videos of the boys to, via email from the December trip from Lara.



God is so good. His timing is perfect.


I can keep going....and get through another day, another week even.


I can keep going.


Thank you!

(this is all on top of the pics and cards I rec'd on Valentine's day. thanks Stacey)


It really has been a GREAT mail week.


Thank you all.


I am going to savor these precious gifts, and I will share some as I have more time and energy.

More thoughts.....

My friend Darren is becoming a Chaplain in the U.S. Army. He's away at training currently.

He shared something on his blog today that echoes what God has been showing to me recently. (see this post for my most recent thoughts on the topic.)

Here's a link to what Darren wrote that got me thinking: Sunday Afternoon Ramblings

The part that jumped out to me was this quote from a Chaplain back in the Civil War.

"the Unit morale had hit rock bottom until one day I saw the chaplain on his knees in the mud in prayer. It did something to me and it pulled me through. When the going gets rough, remember to pray and read the Bible to the Troops. We'll not survive unless you do."

It did something to me and it pulled me through.


It did something to me and it pulled me through.


Do you catch that?!?


It did something to me and it pulled me through.


This is a Soldier from the Civil War talking about his active duty service-battle service.

Wow.


This just makes so much sense.

And it ocurred to me that this is true for all of us, not just Soldiers in battle.

We are in a spiritual battle and we will not survive without prayer and the Word of God.

Whether it is the agony of waiting for a Haitian (or any other country) adoption to be completed or struggling with taking that next step (or big leap) of faith, or struggling over finances or health concerns or a wayward child or grief over the death of a loved one-we will not survive with out prayer and the Word of God.

We will not survive without prayer and the Word of God.




Think with me for a moment......


Has anyone ever told you they were praying for you?

Has anyone ever prayed for you, out loud, on the spot, when you were sharing a concern or situation that you were facing?

How did you feel?


Have you ever offered to pray for someone?


Have you ever prayed on the spot for someone sharing a concern?


Why or why not?





I know that I have rarely felt so encouraged and wrapped in God's loving arms as when other believers pray for me, pray with me and allow me to pray for them.


Prayer.


The Word of God.


Weapons for battle.


Freely available to all of us.


Use them people (Lena). Use them!




Maybe this is not an issue for you-and you use the weapons often and well. I would love to hear about your habits or any suggestions you have for using prayer and the Word of God in your day to day life. If this is something you struggle with, let me know that too-I'd love to pray for you and with you about this. Feel free to comment and share with me your answers to any of the questions I've posed....I love hearing from you. If you don't want me to share your comment, just say that...I won't publish those comments.

Everything.....

Dear Readers,

There are a series of blog posts coming that I fell compelled to share. (sigh)

I will share them somewhat hesitantly...not because I am embarrased, but because I fear that it may be taken in a 'tone' that I do not intend. That readers may misinterpret my passion and gratitude for judgment.

I do not write from a place of pride or arrogance that says "I am better than you."

I write from a place of brokenness restored.

I write to say that "I have walked where you are walking, through all kinds of trouble and pain and stress, and God met me there and He saved me."

I write from personal experience with a God of love, grace and mercy.

I write from a place of ongoing redemption and blessing.

I write with a heart so full of gratitude that it just might burst.

I write with tears in my eyes and joy in my heart.

Please remember that as you read. some of the forthcoming posts, starting with this one.

Prayerfully,

Lena.

*******************************************************************

There is a song by the group Avalon, I got to see them live at a Women Of Faith Conference in Calagary. The song is called "Everything To Me" from the album The Very Best Of Avalon: Testify To Love


I grew up in Sunday school
I memorized the Golden Rule
And how Jesus came to set the sinner free
I know the story inside out
I can tell you all about
The path that led Him up to Calvary
But ask me why He loves me
And I don't know what to say
But I'll never be the same
Because He changed my life when He became…


Chorus:

Everything to me
He's more than a story
More than words on a page of history
He's the air that I breathe
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything, everything to me



We're living in uncertain times
And more and more I find that I'm aware
Of just how fragile life can be
I want to tell the world I found
A love that turned my life around
They need to know that they can taste and see
Now every day I'm praying
Just to give my heart away
I want to live for Jesus
So that someone else might se that He is…


Repeat Chorus.


And looking back over my life at the end
I'll go to meet you saying
You’ve been…

Repeat Chorus.

You're everything to me
You're more than a story
More than words on a page of history
You're the air that breathe
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
You're everything
Lord, You're everything to me


That song is essentially the story of how my faith developed. Every time I hear it, my eyes well up with tears. I am not one of those people who had a "conversion" event. It's not a date on my calendar or an anniversary I can celebrate. It just didn't happen like that for me. It developed over time.


God has been working on me, for a very long time. Alot, actually. Probably most of my life. It can be overwhelming at times. Even when I was not interested in cooperating with Him. Looking back, I can see how He protected me from myself on more than one occassion. And there were many occassions when I needed His protection from myself. I can also see how He was with me, and working things out in me, even when I thought I was in charge of my life. And I am so grateful, there are NO words to express it.


I've always known about God-known the stories....memorized verses, sang the songs, went to church camp in the summer, etc. I grew up going to church on Sunday but doing whatever I wanted the rest of the week. The Bible stories I heard in church were not talked about at home, nor were they lived out in any way that I noticed. My family is not a bad family and the church I grew up in is not a bad church. But somehow, I missed the point.


We (my husband and I) moved across the country in 1998, and went through a very difficult season, personally and professionally. My marriage was a mess. My finances were a mess. Basically, my whole life was a mess. I kept trying to "fix things" my own way. All I did was create more of a mess.

Around the year 2000, things started to change. God used a "seeker sensitive" church to get me back-to "woo" me, really. This is the first time I can recall hearing about how much God loved me, and that I was special to Him. To think that God cared about me?!? As it slowly sunk in, what a difference! I finally started to 'get it' and to get to KNOW God, instead of knowing about Him.

It became personal.

A relationship started.

Eventually, I was baptized. (and, that Avalon song above was the soundtrack to a video made by the church of said event)

Although I am no longer at that church, I will not speak badly about it, because God used it to get me back-and get my life back on track. I know there are many critics of "seeker sensitive" churches, but I'm living proof that they can and do get the real message of the gospel out and change lives.

More living proof from the changes God has begun in me:

It used to be "God sent to his son to save sinners (some other people, not me)."

Now it's "God sent his son TO DIE for ME. And, if I had been the only person on earth to be saved, God still would have done it. For me."

It used to be "I have to go to church." or "I should go to church."

Now it's "I GET to go to church." and "I want to go to church."

It used to be "They think I am going to give them my hard earned money?!?"

Now it's "I'm going to be a good manager of God's money." and "Everything I have, all that I have accomplished is because of God. Without Him, none of this is possible."

It used to be "______" insert whatever gripe/complaint/whine/negative/ungrateful statement you like in the blank. "I have to go to work." "I hate my job." "I don't want to get up, it's too early." grumble, whine, complain.

Now it's "I'm so thankful." "I get to go to work, I have a job, a way to earn income." "Thank you God for the gift of another day."

This gratitude in my heart is very hard to explain. The words seem empty. I am so thankful-so so so thankful. My heart is full of joy.


All I can say is that when I felt entitled (think spoiled brat who throws a tantrum when things don't go my way) my life was full of stress and anxiety and depression. All sorts of negative emotional and physical consequences to my choice to throw that temper tantrum. And then I would make dumb choices in an effort to make myself feel better and have even more negative consequences to deal with. The truth is, I don't deserve anything. I am here by God's design, God's power, God's choice. When He decides it's time for me to die-I will draw my last breath and die.

And so, I strive to live each day to the fullest. To me, the fullest doesn't mean doing it all, or seeking an adrenaline rush. To me, it's much simpler than that.

Living to the full means being thankful.
Living to the full means spending time with those I love.
Living to the full means building relationships.
Living to the full means studying and growing more like Christ-our Ultimate role model
Living to the full means surrendering to whatever God has in store for me.

What does living life to the full mean to you?

I believe that God is great.

All the time.

No matter what.


What do you believe?

Have you given it as much thought as which home or car to buy or what career to pursue? Or even what to have for dinner tonight?

What

Do

You

Believe?

Quick Update

We have all but 1 item back from the translator....and we'll have that one soon.

Then, off to Chicago for legalization.....going to use a courier, so that it can be hand delivered and get next day service. Might take 1-2 weeks with mail/shipping time, if all goes well.

Got to get out and copy a few docs, and then compile the entire dossier, and copy it.

It looks like we will have it together in time....please pray that this is so.

Also, please pray for the finances to come together-there is a hefty sum due (legal fees, mostly) when we submit our dossier.

And please pray that we receive our I71h letter/form soon too. It's only been about a week since I mailed the approved home study to USCIS. I have no idea what the turn around time is for something like that. Just praying that it arrives soon so that we can get the Haitian side of this adoption started.

Went to a meeting about the upcoming mission trip-our church is sending a team down soon. Details are coming together. 15 people. 4 returning to Haiti as short term missionaries. 6 teens. 11 people who have not had their life 'wrecked' by Haiti and seen what God is doing there. And hopefully, one set of swept off their feet adoptive parents........ :-) A papa who has not yet had the pleasure of meeting his children face to face. And a mama who would sleep on the floor and stay in Haiti til the boys could come home if they'd let her.

I have NO idea who those last 2 people might be, do you? ;-)

So excited for them all. Giving thanks for all that God has done, is doing and will do.

Pray people. Pray.

Forward movement...

Children are coming home from the O.....
Files are moving.....
It's so encouraging.

Here, Kathy outlines the Haitian adoption process, it helps me, and I thought it would help you to understand the process a bit. Thanks, Kathy.

We are not at the first step on the list yet-still working on things on the American side of the process. But we are getting close......My guess is that we will be onto that first step very soon-maybe in 2-3 weeks, and the 2nd step in March. And that is when the estimated timeline (guess, really) starts....anywhere from 18-36 months.



It's been a great day. Beautiful, cloudy, slightly humid, which is a nice change for this neck of the woods. A bit warmer today too. Productive day at work. Calls for new work coming in. Studying God's word. Hanging out with my hubby and friends. Eating good food.

Planning to go back to the Secretary of State tomorrow, to get those forms from the other day Authenticated....At least now, I know where I am going...and see that it's a pretty simple process. Although it's a 45-60 minute drive, I'm grateful it is within driving distance. So going back is really not a terribly big deal. "Road Trip, anyone?"


I'm so grateful for each and every thing....big and small, all the blessings come from God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

? random untitled post ?

I wanted to write a thoughtful, inspiring post.
A year in review.
Lessons learned.
Something like that.

And I can't.

I. Can. Not. Write.

Me-wordless. Me-who has written letters and journals since I was a wee child. Me-who writes better than I speak because I need the time to process my thoughts. Me-who loves to write, blog, email. My thoughts are scattered and disorganized. I have little/no focus.

I can hardly put together a complete sentence or thought, let alone an inspirational piece. I think this is in part due to my lack of sleep. Last night, I got 5 consecutive hours, sitting up in a chair. I think this is a MIRACLE after nearly a month of only sleeping 1-2 hours at a time. I have NO idea what is going on with me-I have already elminated all caffeine, medication and most sugar from my diet. I have tried everything, including taking something to help me sleep all to no avail. Something is up.

The only thing that has helped, even a little is getting out my Bible and reading, reading, reading, until my eyes close. I feel like I'm under attack-and the nights are loooooong. Without going into details, let me just say that it is not good for me to be awake in the middle of the night. Please pray for me to get some solid sleep, I NEED it. Of course, a lack of sleep makes everything harder. Christmas without the boys. Hard. JB's birthday-my baby turned THREE! Hard. Realizing that he may be 5 or even 6 before he lives with me. HARD. People being people. Hard. Not feeling great. Hard.

Anyway, back to my inspiring Year In Review:

2008 is gone. 2009 is here.

We moved into a new home in 2008.
My husband started working with a new business partner in 2008.
I moved my business office to a new location in 2008.
I got a new job in 2008.
I went on my first mission trip ever, to Haiti in 2008.
I met our sons in 2008.
We started our adoption process in 2008.
We hosted a foreign exchange high school student for one semester and said goodbye to him in 2008.
I went on my 2nd trip to Haiti in 2008.
We successfully kept our holiday season simple and quiet. In part because we wanted to, in part because we were sick and 'had' to.

It was so nice to have a quiet holiday season.
And yet, something-no, someone-2 someones are missing.

M-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Dictionary.com defines missing like this:

miss⋅ing   /ˈmɪsɪŋ/ [mis-ing]

–adjective 1. lacking, absent, or not found: a missing person.

That defintely is the right word. You could also say that life and this big house is feeling empty. I can hardly stand the silence in this house. Christmas tends to turn UP the volume on the silence of a house without children. I tried to do a few things to counter that,distract myself, but it didn't really work out. And, I was sick, so sick, that made it Hard.

I have been consumed by my desire to have these children at home. I can think of little else. I go through the motions and daily life, but only because I have to. The way I keep track of time has changed-I used to say 'this summer I'd like to....' or 'next week I want to....'. Now, since July, my life is segmented by trips to Haiti. I just got back from Haiti. I'm going to Haiti in a few months. It's as if there is a whole new timeline-and it all revolves around trips to Haiti. Do you remember as a child when you said you were 6 and A HALF years old, instead of saying you were 6? I know I did this, because that HALF year was so important and made me feel older, bigger, smarter. And when you're 6 years old, that's a big deal. Now, my life is counted (by me) in terms of the amount of time since my last trip to Haiti or my next trip to Haiti. It's a big deal. The longing, the ache, it is real. Sometimes, it's physical. It hurts.


My prayer for 2009 is for continued bonding with the boys. For protection for their little hearts. For good health for them and for us. That my hubby is able to travel to meet them-that our family can be together all in one place, for a time. That our paperwork moves through the process, rather than sitting still, being stuck in the process. That I am able to do what I need to do to keep living-so that I don't waste the most precious gift of all-life and time with those I love. That I don't feel sorry for myself. Endurance. That I keep my priorities and focus in the right place-on God. That I get some sleep.

Hey, what do you know, I CAN put a thought and sentence together. At least a little.

God's will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Happy 2009.

aaaarrrgh!

This week, it seems as if everyone I've spoken to is under the impression that when I go to Haiti this week I will be bringing the boys back with me. When I correct that assumption and tell them it's a visit......they ask when I expect to bring them home....and then I have to tell them a bit about the Haitian adoption process and timelines, which really mean nothing, anyway. And then, they launch into the whole 'why does it take so long?' and 'don't they want to get these kids home?' and 'if you're willing to take them, why don't they just give them to you?' and other variations of the same question.

It's been pretty frustrating to have the same conversation over and over-when of course, I have asked those same questions, in our own process and that of other families.

I've come to a sort of peace and acceptance about this process-it will be what it will be. Or at least I think I have. God's timing, not mine, and all of that. Yet when people are constantly questioning and they are aggravated by the waiting-it makes it hard to stay focused.

Have any of you dealt with this? How have you handled it or responded? I don't want to let my frustration get the best of me. I understand that people who aren't going through this don't really get it, and I want to be gracious and teach/be helpful, but geez! I'd love to hear any suggestions anyone out there in adoption land has!!

And for a little point of reference/history, I give you three very well written posts.....they explain a lot about this and they do it better than I could.

These two are from a family of missionaries living in Haiti.

This is Haiti

Show Business


From a family waiting in the adoption proces.


And so, there you have it.

Life is not fair.

Things do not always go the way we think they should.

And so, we trust God who is always fair and just, and who sees all to take care of the details.

And we wait and we pray.

Faith

Always be joyful. Pray continually and give thanks, whatever happens. That is what God wants for you in Christ Jesus. Do not hold back the work of the Holy Spirit. Do not treat prophecy as if it were unimportant but test everything. Keep what is good and stay away from everything that is evil. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-22

I (Paul) mean that I want us to help each other with the faith that we have. Your faith will help me, and my faith will help you. Romans 1:12

He (Abraham) never doubted that God would keep His promise and he never stopped believing. He grew stronger in his faith and gave praise to God. Abraham felt sure that God was able to do what He had promised. So God accepted Abraham's faith and that faith made him right with God. Romans 4: 20-22

Since we have been made right with God by our faith, we have peace with God. This happened through our Lord Jesus Christ, who through our faith has brought us into that blessing of God's grace that we now enjoy. And we are happy because of the hope we have of sharing God's glory. We also have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience. And patience produces charater, and character produces hope. And this hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out His love to fill our hearts. He gave us his love through the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to us. Romans 5:1-5

***********************************************************

The Bible is full of stories and verses about faith. The above passages recently 'came together' for me, and mean a lot to me. As I write this, I notice Romans 1:12, again. Where Paul is saying that we are to help each other with our faith-your faith can help me, my faith can help you.

I'm curious if any of the passages above stand out to you or mean something to you. Or maybe you have another passage or verse about faith that means alot to you. I'd love to hear it. I'm curious as to how you help others with your faith, or how others have helped you. How have you put your faith in action? Or, how have you been impacted by another person's faith?

Let me know your thoughts. Also let me know if I can pray for you. Just click on that link that says 'additional thoughts' down below and type away. I'll look forward to hearing from you.